According to some snooty-nose, wannabe Arianna Grande, crop-top loving, hooker-heel-wearing person on the tube the other day – being single is the worst thing you can be! Apparently it is some sort of epidemic that comes without explanation. Whilst I wanted to punch the gal in the face for merely breathing in my vicinity (think my rags are due), I realised I am part of this demographic – but more so, am aware as to why I am single (somewhat). Cause I choose to be (again, somewhat)!
People whinge and whine about why being single is stressful – like it is actually the worst thing you can be in life, how that defines you, and going through life alone is morbid. Sure, I would LOVE to be in a relationship with someone and not have to tough out another wedding alone… on the singles table… or asked why I am single by any breathing relative in a 100 metre radius. Sure, I would LOVE to not have to deal with that, but the fact of the matter is – I am single, and it’s ok. I am dealing with it so don’t stress for me. It isn’t really as much as a drag as you make it out to be! Do you know what IS a drag? Having to tell someone what you are doing all day long!!!
Guess what?! I am going to do whatever the hell I wanna do today because I can! This is 2016 and I am a fully fledged adult. If I want to lie in bed for 8 hours on end catching up on crappy British TV while inhaling a Domino’s Hawaiian pizza, then I am going to do just that! And if I really feel it – I will repeat it again the day after #YOLO #BeingAdult!
The only person I have to answer to is my boss-lady, my deliveryman (let’s be real – he is probably the only man I need in my life right now) and my landlord. I ain’t worrying about being single or finding my Prince Charming (I’d rather someone a little more risky than that, thank you) – I am just happy sitting in my; alone; watching crappy TV shows; alone; whilst marinating in a face masks; alone; and drinking Green Tea; alone #OkSomeonePleaseJustMarryMe!
Now, sit back and enjoy a glass (or two) and let me tell you why I am most likely single.
I want a relationship for all the wrong reasons
It would be grand if I didn’t have to freeze my tits off at night in the London cold cause my heating isn’t working #BuiltInHeating. It would also be nice to not have to always pay for all my dinners on top of all the ubers i take.mPlus, boyfriends give pretty good birthday presents I hear!
I have trust issues
DeliverRoo said my Pizza would only be 30 minutes. It has since been 57 minutes! How am I expected to trust a boyfriend when so many things let me down in life?
My busy life doesn’t really allow for a relationship
Wake up, face the crowds on the tube, work.work.work.work. After work event. People schmooze. Chow down some dinner. Shower. Sleep. Repeat.
Not exactly sure how a boyfriend would fit into such a rigorous schedule… Unless it was just a weekend boyfriend, then i’d happily take one on between the hours of Friday 8pm till Sunday 3pm.
I’d rather cuddle my pillow/a tub of Peanut Butter/ a can of diet coke
At least they won’t judge me for being myself! ** Disclaimer – I also love begin cuddled by a human **
I can’t even commit to what I am going to eat for lunch
I don’t even know what toppings I want on my sundae, let allow what I want from a future husband. How am I actually even meant to commit to an actual human? Why is life so hard sometimes?
I am in a relationship with my bed
I enjoy having the entire bed to myself. Why choose a side?!
I can’t cook
The only thing I am good at is placing an order on Just-Eat or making a reservation. Don’t expect any of this cooking nonsense, people!
And that about sums up why I am most likely single. Don’t get me wrong – I would LOVE to not be, but hey… shit happens I suppose.
What is your dating advice?