Every time I catch up with my in a relationship friends I haven’t seen in a while, they are all like: “I got a new job, beat my PB in a marathon, found a man to plant his seed in me, cured carpal tunnel syndrome and became Vice President of the world” #Casual! My response is usually along the lines of “I took a Buzzfeed quiz about what sort of plant I will be in the afterlife – turns out I am going to be a Bonsai tree!”. Like honestly, could everyone chill the eff down – I am just trying to get out of the habit of eating in bed first… then I will work on the whole ‘attempting to look successful and be in a relationship’ thing, sheesh!
I’ve been told I need to live a little – be a bit more open and not have high expectations… Basically take life by the reigns (so I have been told by many a person who clearly doesn’t know me all that well). I am NOT a ride and die kind of chick. I have questions:
- Where are we riding to?
- Why do I have to die?
- Can we stop and get some food?
- Why didn’t you like my post on instagram?
I am a natural overthinker! So, dating in the modern world has proven quite difficult for this little 20-questioners… Some people just aren’t that willing to share their stories/ I genuinely just like talking! Except for when it comes to Tinder – sometimes, men are just a little too forward. Now don’t get me wrong – I totally get that is (basically) expected with Tinder, but being a tradionalist in a way, I do kind of hope that I might just stumble across my Prince… or Knight in shining Armani suit (a girl can dream). But that is honestly cause I want to see the best in people so I think sometimes I childishly think a little too highly of people before they open their mouth/ start typing… Trust me – this lesson has well and truly been learnt!
I have had some pretty crummy chat up lines in the past, but Tinder has opened a whole new meaning of ‘terrible pick up lines’! These are just a few of my favourites!
Mister Prince Charming
.. I won’t lie, this was certainly a winner in my eyes. He turned out to be a rather devilishly good looking and nice Northerner too – so maybe he was a Prince Charming in uncertain lights. Sadly, he wasn’t my Prince Charming.
Mister (super) Inappropriate
This is the exact reason why I am single – I like my bed more than I like people, sometimes! Seriously, when is this chat up line ever ok!? SERIOUSLY?! #ShouldHaveSwipedLeft
Hey Buddy, chill the eff down. You don’t need to open with you number. And also, you can’t text me without my number so good luck with that… unless you are a magician and in which case, you deserve to have my number – that is impressive!
This is why I might be better off staying single – or just give up on the whole ‘online dating’ thing – I can’t deal with intensity.
Mister Let’s be teenagers and make out
Sorry, how old are we again? I know what you mean “make out” and I ain’t falling for it like an episode of Hansel and Gretel! No stranger I just ‘connected with on Happn’ – I am not going to randomly rock up to your house and sleep with you. I’ve seen the movies – that is where you kill me and then somebody bases a whole book about the mysterious disappearance of Lucy Pilz. I know that game – I ain’t biting (*ok, maybe a little extreme but you get the point).
FINAL RELATIONSHIP STATUS – Sleeping in my bed diagonally!
Whilst it isn’t fair to place all Tinder experiences in the bad pile (I have actually had some amazing dates with some super cool people), it is fair to assume most dates won’t lead me along a golden path to my Prince Charming. For now, I am just happy to take one for the team and share and experience my ‘wince-able’ stories for you all!
I would so love to hear others Tinder chat up lines – feel free tweet me, comment below or email them to me!